Let the new winds blow…

Oh my, being here again feels like I just took the last blank page yesterday to write down what’s happening inside me. Since then, over a thousand and one events have unfolded that deserved to be put on paper, but what’s happening now definitely deserves its place here 🙂

Life and my decisions have brought me to a moment ripe for a major overhaul. One so big that it calls for a new job, a new city, new people—and when I reflect on this resolve, it becomes clear that I couldn’t take a bigger step toward a more livable future. A future rich with possibilities, fresh and buildable. Ru certainly deserves this, and maybe I do too, no matter how hard it gets. Leaving behind the home where my little one was born, where the doorframe still marks his growth, where he was a baby, then a little boy, and now stands on the threshold of adolescence—that touches my soul deeply. Leaving the streets where I grew up, parting from relationships nurtured over decades, discovering a new region, exploring stories within different library walls, making other faces familiar, building another life—this will be a true novelty. A good kind of novelty. One that we not only need but deserve, worth staying focused and brave for, arming myself against difficulties and rebuilding everything from scratch.

Yesterday, during a conversation sparked by an interesting question, I wondered if I should be afraid. For a moment, I thought about why, despite feeling so much at once, fear is absent. I think it’s because I feel capable of steering this whole thing in the right direction, that I have the right blend of courage, humility, and determination. I believe I’m not afraid because in a situation where the ground disappears beneath my feet and I’m rebuilding it with my own hands, there’s simply no room for fear. It has no shelf to put itself on, and honestly, I’ve almost forgotten about it. I know the direction, I know what I must do to stay on it, and all my past failures, disappointments, and helpless anger have led me to fill my lungs with fresh air and start running. I have nothing left to lose in my circumstances, but I do have goals—and that has freed me and given me strength to know I can walk this path all the way.

Good people stand beside me, offering calm through their stability, and who haven’t given up on me. There is incredible power in trust, from which I now draw my energy. Trust in myself and in those worthy of it. There are moments when it becomes crystal clear which human connections are worth enduring through fire and water, swallowing hard and staying, or even fighting and still staying. And which ones lead nowhere despite patience and faith. A crisis-like life situation perfectly reveals the legitimacy of these bonds. And this is exactly that for me now. It’s still hard to be thankful, but I know I will be grateful for this lesson one day.

And yet, if I let go of everything, step back two paces, and honestly measure myself, I see that I am still able to trust the unknown. I look it in the eye like a good friend: we smile at each other. The unknown is not frightening but a malleable mass waiting to be discovered, from which I will build a reality. One with a flowing river, a garden, sunsets closing the day, and a rescue puppy waiting for us at home, no matter how hard the day has been.

Dated: May 18, 2023