31! (And the experiences of another year)

This anniversary doesn’t really deserve a separate post here, though perhaps that’s just my disillusionment speaking. But life, I believe, evens itself out in the long run, and sometimes I’m a bit headstrong and impulsive. I know, I know… I’ve been working on it for about 31 years. Unfortunately, not everything turns out as one hopes, and a defining decision of mine proved to be wrong, even though I believed wholeheartedly in its success—something I had to face on my birthday. Well, perhaps this year has gifted me the lesson of dignified loss, which, let’s admit, is a tough one.

However, now—exactly one month later, looking back—I might say that everything has a price to pay before we reach the shore. A wise person knows this and quietly accepts it, then moves on; another knows it but wants to conquer, overcome, and seize the whole idea. Well, I may not have become much wiser, but if I take stock of the past year, I can say that this time has indeed added its experiences to me. Concepts like acceptance, patience, humility, and selfless love (the kind you allow but do not control)—which I used to define mostly as weaknesses and quickly dismiss—have become valuable and meaningful. But then somehow everything changed. I saw more, experienced more, felt more from a greater power than I ever thought I would—or wanted to. And since it turned out this way, and I couldn’t avoid the sweeping global pandemic but ended up right in its epicenter where I had to plant my feet, it might even have worked to my advantage. In fact, I sincerely believe it did. Because although it took countless small and not-so-small things away, it also gave. I believe this now even more than I did a year ago, and if one becomes capable of letting go of the things once desperately clung to (principles, thoughts, judgments), then one finds a place that is theirs and where they can lean back with a smile—even if this whole thing is new to them.

When I discover a new author, I like to read 3-4 of their books before reaching their main work to get a comprehensive picture of their art. I was reading such a foundational book recently when my eye caught a Rumi quote that best explains the essence of this place:

“Beyond the ideas of right and wrong, there is a field. I will meet you there.”

Well, that field (which was more a feeling than an image) I blossomed when I was happy and tore apart when disappointed. Sometimes I set it on fire when I was down, but whenever I thought of it, it was always there. Always in its original state. I know this is a last-resort escape route from a reality we sometimes can only endure by closing our eyes for a moment and, while counting to five, mentally being there.

As a matter of fact, its image is starting to fade, and that surely means the pressure is easing and the emotional security I need is beginning to form. Either I have become more balanced, or I simply feel closer to the solution that a month ago I wanted to leave definitively behind me.

Who knows, maybe this year still holds surprises, even after the initial scorched clearing. Maybe that field will become a complete, whole place with people and fulfilled goals—even if I won’t remember ever having been there.

Dated: May 24, 2021